Unrecognizable

Running through the field with the dewy grass painting my feet in muddy water looking at my kite soar above me in the sunny and vast vivid sky doused in the miraculous hue of Caribbean water. The breeze caressing the side of my face and running its fingers through my hair. The sun encasing me in a bubble of warmth, complimenting the freckles sprouting across the bridge of my nose. The smell of wet grass finding its way into my nostrils. To feel loved by nature. 

Up late at night, I’m surrounded by the hushed giggles of my friends that are overwhelmed by a person’s yell, “Guys can you be quiet?” For a moment- silence. But soon everyone bursts out into laughter once again. To feel loved by friends.

The water immerses me as my mom weaves shampoo into my thin hair, humming a tune. As I giggled, a smile spread across her face. She brushes the water over my head gently washing the shampoo out. Some seeps into my eyes initiating the sting. I weep as she holds my head close and bathes me in kisses. To feel loved by family.

To feel loved is taken for granted. 

Maybe I’m crazy, but I can see the static now. A sheet of grain spread on the top layer of my eyeball. The world seems off now. The ringing gets louder every day.  It’s what distracts me from feeling loved.  I know I’m loved, but I know that for some reason I can’t seem to feel it. And I know it’s selfish as not everyone is loved and feels as if they’re hated. But I just wish that I could go back to the time where I felt loved. 

I wish I’d go back in time to when I recognized my friends and family. Back to the time when I could look in the mirror and recognize myself and feel like I’m myself rather than like I’m watching a first person film documentary and as if I’m a character in a movie playing a video game. Everyone else is just background characters. 

I fear the uncertainty of who I am and of who other people truly are. I know they’re my family, I know they’re my friends. But then how come I can’t recognize them? Why can’t I remember what I ate yesterday? Why can I remember what they said to me yesterday? Why does it feel like summer was yesterday even though it was months ago? Why am I not impressed? Why doesn’t anything or anyone do it for me? Why does it feel like one long dream? Why when I look at my friend’s face do I want to cry? Why don’t I sound like myself? When I touch my mom’s face, why can’t I feel the heat from her skin?

Would it be weird to look in the mirror one more time before going to a big birthday party and feel the butterflies in my stomach?  Like I had to worry about something. Would it be weird to run through the fields one more time with my kite, the sun kissing my face and wind brushing through my hair? Would it be weird to be with the people I no longer see and hysterically laugh with them and fight against time to pull an all-nighter?

Would it be weird to ask my mom to wash my hair in the bath one more time and kiss my forehead when I start crying from the shampoo getting in my eyes. We could do all that just once more and then I could go to sleep and forget.  

Once more, if I could only recognize the people I love. Because I fear they all aren’t real. But they have to be. They have to be real, right? But I guess even if they’re not, I will play pretend with them because it is the one thing that reminds me of what once was. It is the one thing that protects me from the fear of feeling nothing.